FEAR

I’ve spoken about FEAR on Breast Friends FB page before but its something that is such a big part of a Breast Cancer diagnosis I think its time to talk about it again.  I have thought about this post for quite a while as I think its something that effects us all especially after a Breast Cancer diagnosis.  Its a feeling that is always there, it might fade, but then out of the blue something will trigger a mini fearful meltdown.

For me when dignosed my first fear was thinking I wouldn’t be around for Rhys communion ( which is in May this year).  That really got to me and I really fretted about it, thankfully I have a big celebration planned for him.  I would then have a huge surge of positivity and just continue on as normal with treatment and life.

I suffered with THE FEAR a few days after each chemo session.  It was pretty much that same anxiety you get after being out on the lash and come monday morning you are hugging a pillow.  I quickly recognised that this fear was medication related, so it turned more into an anxiety that I knew would pass after a day or 2 and I would be back to myself and happy out.

When I had my Mastectomy, I wasn’t really upset at the loss of a Breast, but after surgery I went through a few days of fearfullness, again I put this down to the amount of medication pumped into my body.  This has happened each time I have a surgery. Me and meds are not friends but I do know what to expect so its not so bad.

At the final point in my treatment which was my Radiotheraphy, I was told I was cancer free and all treatment had worked.  You would think I would have skipped out of the hosptial, it wasn’t the case.  I was thrilled with the news and I was thrilled to be finished with having to be in hospital all of the time and finished all the meds but then a thought struck me “What if it comes back”.  In the beginning I really couldn’t have imagined myself having this thought but I am afraid its part and parcel of  the illness.

Hearing of someone loosing their battle with Breast Cancer or even having a reoccurance always gives me a pang of Fear.  I find it really upsetting.  Then i feel guilty for being selfish and fearful when I should be just plain GRATEFUL.

I also get a lot of girls contacting me, giving themselves a hard time worrying about what if they eat too much sugar will their cancer return or should they cut out alcohol, in fact I have done it to myself also.  I was saying something to my Boyfriend last night about how I was feeling fearful that by having root canal treatment I would increase my risk of cancer.  Well it was one of the best conversations I ever had with someone, he said lets google what causes cancer, because EVERYTHING causes cancer – we typed in Root Canal Treatment and yes it said it could be responsible for causing cancer, we googled all of the usual suspects SUGAR / DAIRY/ MEAT, then we decided how ridiculous you could become with this we started googling stuff like ceramic mugs / cotton t-shirts – it turned out most things we googled there was some article somewhere that related it to cancer.  It just showed me how easy it was to get caught up in the fears of doing something or eating something, you could really drive yourself demented.  Now I do believe in living a healthy lifestyle, exercising, good nutrition, no sunbeds, alcohol in moderation but I think if we worry about what causes Cancer we won’t get anything done.

Last week I had one of the final steps in my reconstruction, the addition of my new nipple.  What should have been a really happy positive milestone turned into a nightmare for me.  I found a lump on my breast on the bad side.  I showed it to my consultant, he  booked me in for a scan.  He said he wasn’t worried but because of my history I had to be scanned.  Well I had 5 days of pure Fear and what if’s.  I totally got into a space of thinking the worst.  Luckily when I was scanned everything was fine, it turned out to be a fatty buildup next to the implant (quite common) but it really brought me back to the place I was at in 2013.

I began to get a bit angry and I have to say that is something that dosen’t happen much.  I am not angry that I got Breast Cancer, it could have been worse, it could have been someone I loved, so I’m defo not angry about that.  I did get angry because I felt why would something like this happen again when I have my life back on track and am very happy.  I was also angry at the fact that when you are moving on and progressing with life Breast Cancer can tap you on the shoulder and remind you of your mortality.   The lesson in this for me is most definately to live my life to the fullest.  Make the most of each day.  Focus on what is important.  Don’t waste life on Fear, the quote up top most definately sums up how I am going to think about fear every time I get a little flash of it.

 

#FEAR#Hope#BreastCancer#Positivity