Its taken me ages to post this because to begin with I had total writers block, kinda lost my MOJO and I was finding it very hard to express what message I was trying to pass on to all of you girls so here goes –
I was chatting with Breast Friend other half Fiona which isn’t unusual our friendship stretches beyond the common ground we share having had Breast Cancer, we got to discussing why it is hard sometimes to let go of the fact that we had Breast Cancer. Normally we don’t dwell on this but we both were trying to figure out that unsettled feeling we carry with us even though we are both pretty much happy, healthy girls whose lives for the most part have returned to normal.
I feel in the last few years my life has really turned around in a positive way, Breast Cancer didn’t ruin my life or take from it, in fact it gave to me, it made me stop and look at life, I think it gave me more compassion for others and a greater appreciation of what life really is about or at least what I think its about. It doesn’t define me but it has left me with a very strong passion to use my experience to let other girls know what to expect and perhaps in some way give them a source of comfort. Its something that I went through and thankfully am still here to tell the tale, however as all of you will know there is always a niggle, it doesn’t matter how happy or successful we are the niggle is still there. It means you can’t erase your Breast Cancer experience from your life or your mind 100%, it’s always somewhere in your emotions.
As we chatted it occurred to me that after treatment we are left with so many questions that remain unanswered. You know that feeling when a relationship breaks up unexpectedly where there is no closure, well I think its like that when we end our treatment and the “fight for survival” part of our Breast Cancer journey. To the girls in their 20’s & 30’s how many of you were told before you started chemo that a side effect of your treatment would be the loss of your fertility and you could be pushed into an early menopause, I’m pretty sure all of you will have been told this, I certainly was. However when you finished your chemo treatment how many of you were spoken to and had it confirmed to you whether or not you were actually going through menopause and had it confirmed to you whether or not you were fertile or infertile after treatment? I think regardless of wanting more children or not that’s a pretty big part of your life to not have an answer on.
What about the physical impact the numbness after surgery that hasn’t gone away. The long wait on getting your reconstruction. I understand it all can’t all happen overnight however when you are in the process of getting the work done a lot of your time is spent wishing you could just have a date to look forward to getting your boobs fixed. That’s why I feel it’s really important to share my experience for these reasons alone, to let you girls know there will be a wait but your time will come for reconstruction and to be honest I waited over a year after my mastectomy before I was ready for implants, I felt so impatient I thought my day would never come however the wait was necessary as my skin needed the time to heal after radiation.
What if you get sick again?? Everyone’s ultimate nightmare, I myself had a brush with that experience and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We all know early detection is so important but I come across so many girls who are afraid to check themselves in case they find something. I really understand that fear and I don’t think any of us are any different however by checking yourself you give yourself a better chance of early detection.
There is always a feeling of am I crazy when you get the all clear and you no longer have regular hospital visits, in a weird way you miss the security of them, so then you are left feeling, what now ? what next? why do I feel weird about getting a clean bill of health when it’s all I’ve wanted since I got diagnosed ? #feelingabandoned
There is so much conflicting information out there even about something as basic as nutrition, that it makes moving forward a little difficult at times as none of us want to do anything wrong as such, yet it is very difficult to figure out whats the right things to be doing. Many months ago I was having awful trouble with my teeth and I got a root canal, I became consumed with a fear that it would trigger cancer again as I had read this somewhere. However after speaking with my boyfriend, I realised that anything you google will come back as causing cancer. We searched many things obviously root canal, then egg whites, we just got crazy with it and searched stuff like cotton causing cancer. By the time we had finished I realised how ridiculous it was to worry about such things and even more how if you search anything on google you will find some article that will say it is linked to cancer. My advice is don’t ever google !!!!
The good news is I am now over 2 years finished treatment, my hair has grown back as have my eyelashes, my fitness level has returned and my life has progressed. During the course of my recovery I managed to get it together with my boyfriend which I have to say at times I wondered if I would ever be serious with someone or would breast cancer be a repellent – which I can say hand on my hard from the day I was diagnosed it really has never been. Some days its feels as if I was never sick, some days I feel on top of the world, some days I feel so full of energy then I have days when I feel anxious full of fear and what if, but ya know what that’s okay. Good days outweigh the bad, I always try to replace any negative with a positive. In yesterday’s post I outlined the things I do to unwind and reduce stress and they really do work for me and sure if all else fails I just get a spray tan and do a bit of retail therapy lol xx
As I finish up writing this post I guess the message I wanted to deliver has become clearer to me……………………. its okay not be okay all the time.
