So I ran a poll yesterday on Breast Friends Facebook page, firstly I would like to thank everyone who took part -I asked this question
During Breast Cancer did people who you thought were good friends let you down or back away from you?
The results came in 50 / 50 for YES and NO
Was I surprised by the results, well no not really, when I was going through my Breast Cancer I was just blown away by the kindness and outpouring of love I received. My cousin came to all of my hospital appointments and chemo sessions with me; words don’t describe how he helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life. My friend Debs would sleep in my house with me after my chemo session, because she did it meant I could stay at home without my family going out of their minds worrying about me. I have 2 other male friends if I say their names they will kick my ass but I would literally only have to pick up the phone to them and they were there for me. I had so many other friends who were great also, sending thoughtful texts, meeting for lunch, extending the “if there’s anything I can do offer”. I drew so much strength from all of this and to this day I appreciate all of those people.
But along the way there were 1 or 2 friends who I had considered to be quite close friends who just disappeared. The flip side of this meant there were so many precious friendships reinforced and new friendships made. I often sat while very ill at the time and wondered had I offended those people who backed away, what had I done wrong? Imagine being so ill and sitting trying to figure out why your mates had gone!
Well I’m not sure what their reasons were but I would say to you, if you find yourself in a similar situation you have to just focus on the diamonds. We all have those solid friends who are there through thick and thin, those are the friendships to be cherished.
My message to friends of people who have Breast Cancer
I know myself from my experience it can’t be easy being around someone going through Breast Cancer, I understand you may look at your once bubbly, funny considerate friend and you may feel they are moody or off. They probably are, they are devastated and shocked what has happened to them. But they won’t stay like that forever.
You may have got a fright and are upset by their diagnosis. This means you may feel awkward around them and are not sure what to talk to them about. Just being there means a lot. And if you break through the awkwardness you will know your friend is still the same person, just in a tricky situation for a while.
They may not answer the phone when you ring, that’s because they are tired a kind of fatigue that no amount of sleep can solve and unless you have been there you won’t understand. But when they wake up and look at your message or missed call it will let them know you care, even if they don’t respond.
Your friend may be snappy for no apparent reason, she’s shitting herself at the moment that’s why she’s snappy, she could be feeling really fearful and vunerable.
Your friend may not want to go out for coffee or on a night out, she’s probably afraid she will catch an infection, or she could be self-conscious of how she looks or she’s just too tired, but she will feel left out if you don’t take 2 seconds to invite her anyway, and when she’s back on her feet she will reflect on her time of need and she will be grateful to you.
Your friend may want to meet up for a coffee, you could be busy but if you make the time for your friend she won’t forget that.
Being ill doesn’t give any of us a green light to be disrespectful, take our humours out on other people or expect people to wait on us hand and foot. But it is really great if friends make allowances and for the few months that your pal is floored be assured that when they are back on track you will have your old pal back.
I also think the moodiness can be caused by medication I definitely would feel really off a few days after chemo I think it was just all of the medication in my system, similar to a bloody good dose of the FEAR after a night out, but it never lasted long. So just remember your friend is consuming a lot of medication and that can alter her mood also.
Thanks for your perspective. My wife has just been diagnosed and I’m feeling like a useless spare part.
I know she’s scared and I’m totally there for her but I’m not sure I’m doing enough.
Hi Tom, even making the effort to read what I wrote tells me that you are trying to be supportive to your wife, you will more than likely find she is worried about your and doesn’t want you being too worried its a vicious circle. All you can do is take each day as they come to you, listen to her when she wants to talk and let her rest when she is tired. This is only a bump in the road for her she will be back on track. You are more than welcome to contact the Breast Friends Facebook page and private message me if you need any advice or support and you could even show the page to your wife i would be more than happy to speak with her.