And just like that in the blink of an eye change happens, you can be blissfully unaware of a huge curveball coming your way. Being diagnosed with Breast Cancer in your 20’s & 30’s can impose a different life on you to the one you had hoped and dreamed of. I have never really written about my ability or lack there of to have children after my breast cancer diagnosis.
I guess at the beginning when I was newly diagnosed and setting out on my journey of needles, scans, medication with a risk of death thrown in, the brief mention that chemo affects fertility and there wasn’t enough time to harvest eggs etc made the chance of no more children pale in comparison to saving my life and being around for the child I was already blessed to have.
I didn’t dwell on it and really I guess it didn’t sink in I expected just to go back to normal. I remember towards the end of my treatment a nurse stopped to chat to me she asked me did I have any kids and I said just the one, her response was well aren’t you blessed that you go to have the one. It hit me hard that day as usual with all of my problems I ran to my cousin who calmed me down and I put it to the back of my head thinking that this woman just spoke out of turn with her comments being based on assumptions rather than fact.
I wasn’t in a committed relationship when I was going through treatment, I dated but no one who was ever going to be a keeper. In my head I said to myself I wouldn’t mind having another child if I met the right person, someone reliable and a good person. After being a single mother already to Rhys if I was going to have more children I was going to have to be very very sure of who I would be doing this with. It’s hard doing it on your own, picking up the pieces if the other parent is a let down, trying to compensate for what you feel is missing from your childs life and feeling guilty. It was something I never wanted to repeat, so the fact of whether I could or could not have kids just faded for a while.
I started dating Tom, he’s a really really good person and a brilliant father. I was visiting a cousin of mine and during our conversation she mentioned the fact that my hormone driven cancer would mean to have more children would be so very risky. It was then that I realised the choice had been taken out of my hands, firstly I’m on Tamoxifen and anyone who has any experience of Tamoxifen know that you are not allowed get pregnant while you are on Tamoxifen.
So if you want to try for a baby you need to take a break from Tamoxifen. You need to wait for it to leave your system and then there is still no guarantee after chemo you will be fertile.
I’m 42 now and in the committed relationship with the person who would have been perfect for me to have a family with but that option isn’t an option for me, even if I could get pregnant mentally I know I couldn’t cope with risking a reoccurance also i really feel that ship has sailed. I am happy with my son and step daughter and know I am lucky to have them. Sometimes I do wish things were different, I would have loved a sibling for Rhys, I am not the only girl who feels a bit robbed there are many more girls out there who are in the same boat, some girls who never even had the chance to start a family. It’s something that girls have to cope with after their treatment and its not something that I feel they are not properly supported on. Not one medical professional asked me was I upset about it, it was something that was just said to me and that was that.
I don’t dwell on what might have been but sometimes I can’t help but think what if I never had Breast Cancer……….
